Penance
by ada511
Summary: Set after The Doctor has somehow saved both himself and Clara from his Time Stream. The consequences of Clara's sacrifice causes some guilt for The Doctor. 11/Clara.
1. The First Time

pen ff

Title: Penance

Summary: Set after The Doctor somehow rescues Clara and himself from his own timestream. Guilt inspires The Doctor to begin a hopeless mission.

A/N: There is something about Doctor Who - mostly the concern that The Doctor will always regenerate and a companion is never forever that saddens me. And I've had so much fun falling in love with Clara/The Doctor that I had to write out some of the sad.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe.

Chapter One: The First Time.

The Doctor read and re-read the same page of the same book he'd been trying to pretend to care about for a week. He snapped the book shut. It was no use.

He looked up at the bright green light in the center of the TARDIS console speculatively; Wondering if his ship knew what he was thinking. For The Doctor was plagued with an idea. A... quest... of sorts. Something he was not at all sure was within the rules of time travel or was even a very good idea all around. He wasn't sure how to start on this macabre pursuit - this result of an idea that had flown into his head and which he could not seem to brush back out. He stood up, dropping his book back on the chair and stared at the controls. He had the time. God knew he had the time. These trips would be no longer than a good meal. He could sacrifice a few meals for a bit of peace. If that is indeed what he would receive. He wasn't at all sure about that. However... He wouldn't be able to do it alone... he could remember the space time coordinates just fine - nothing was wrong with his memory there. But he couldn't go hop scotching around his own timeline for nothing. He would have to make it count. And there was no way for him to know which trips would count. No... The TARDIS would simply have to be on board with the whole undertaking. And, as far as he could tell, there was just one way to find out if she was.

Before The Doctor had fully made up his mind, they had landed. And he was just as unsure as he'd been when he'd cooked up this idea in the first place. No use waffling about it now. He would just... see. There would be no harm in just... trying.

He pushed open the doors of the TARDIS and found himself in a cozy bedroom with a single bed. The heavy curtains were closed, as was the door to the hall. Vaguely he understood the time and place where they were, but for once, it did not matter that much to him. The Doctor stepped out onto the wooden floor and walked to the single occupant of the bed. Surreptitiously he scanned the elderly woman with the sonic and did his best not to be dismayed by the readings. This was why he was here, after all.

Clara's eyes opened and The Doctor's hearts kicked uncomfortably. The sparkle in those eyes had not dulled with age or infirmity. He was dumbstruck when she smiled at him affectionately, "I was just dreaming of you."

The Doctor tried to return the smile, he whispered, "How boring!"

Clara struggled to sit up and The Doctor jumped to help her, piling pillows behind her. Settled, but out of breath, Clara looked at him mischievously, "I thought I'd finally run my last race for you. Please tell me you don't have some evil scientist outside my bedroom window for me to finish off?"

The Doctor sat in the chair beside the bed, unable to return her good humor. It was all well and good that his Clara had jumped into his time stream - sacrificing herself; Because he had sacrificed himself to get her back. What he was having trouble living with now was the knowledge that her echoes were dying for him - had died for versions of him that were completely unaware of her existence. It was an injustice he couldn't ignore. The Doctor intimately understood that these echoes were as wonderful and as precious as the real Clara. At least with two of them he'd been with them... he hadn't been able to save them but they'd both known him, they'd both known that he honored them and their sacrifice. But there were unknown multitudes that he'd never even seen - never noticed or acknowledged. And here was the crux of his guilt; crushing and unknown, "How many times did I pass you by?"

Clara shook her head and reached for his hand, covered it with her other one, "Three, but who's counting?" The Doctor put his head against their joined hands, and Clara freed one of hers to brush it tenderly through his hair, "Doctor, why are you here?"

The Doctor shook his head, still bowed against her, "I don't know."

They stayed like that for a little while, then Clara put her hand under his chin, urged him to raise his face - to meet her eye, "Doctor, I'm dying. But you know that already, don't you? It's why you're here."

The Doctor nodded, staring at her, "I just... couldn't bear to think that you would be alone at the end. Any of you."

Clara's eyes filled, "That's very kind... Very kind." She rested her head against her pillow, and closed her eyes. After a little while she opened them again, smiled wistfully at him, "Am I dreaming?"

The Doctor moved to sit on the bed, moved her gray hair from her face, "No. You're beautiful"

Clara laughed, and closed her eyes again, "Oh, you."

A long time later she blinked her eyes open and The Doctor knew it would be for the last time, "Doctor."

"Yes Clara?" The Doctor still had her hand. He lifted it to his lips.

"Don't tear yourself up. I understand what I am. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes it's not clear. But I know I'm an echo. An echo of me who loved you dearly. My life... running after you - to save yours... was... wonderful."

The Doctor nodded - acknowledging her words but not accepting the forgiveness she offered. He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. By the time he pulled back her eyes were fixed and staring. Barely breathing himself, he closed her eyes gently and dissolved into tears.

A long time later he was composed enough to make sure there were others in the house who would find her and he escaped into the TARDIS. For once the hum of the engine was not comforting, nor the long beautiful, empty corridors inviting. The TARDIS had never felt like a lonelier place. He piloted them off world with a vague idea that something had changed in him. The Doctor reached out a hand toward the glass at the console, "Thank you."

The Doctor didn't know how long they'd been on the ground again when there was a knock on the door. He looked expectantly at it - and a moment later Clara, his Clara, bounced in, "Are you lost? I didn't expect you today! What's wrong?" This, as she saw his face.

He shook his head, "Nothing. Nothing at all. Clara?"

She was still searching his face for clues as to why he'd been upset, "Yes Doctor?"

He rushed to her, but held himself back, just a bit from her, then whispered, "Come away with me?"

"What?"

"Will you come away with me?" The Doctor clarified.

"Of course! What's all this?" She laughed as he took her hands in his.

"No, I mean... permanently. No more Wednesdays, no more surprise! just... travel, together... Please Clara - run with me this time." He was staring so intently at her face, that she hardly recognized that he was still speaking, "You can still visit, anytime you want - the Maitlands, your father, your cousin's wife's neighbor, your nursery school teacher - to get a sandwich..."

Dizzy, trying to keep up, Clara realized he was desperate for an answer and the only way to shut him up was to give him one. Clara squeezed his hands, "Yes!"

He reached out and grabbed her to him, "Thank you. Thank you!"

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

Clara paused, her cheek was mashed up against the buttons of his shirt and his chin was pressed against the stop of her head. She wanted to ask what had brought this on, she wanted to find out what he wasn't telling her, she should probably tell him that she was having trouble breathing because he was holding onto her so tightly, but right then, none of it really seemed to matter, "Nevermind."


	2. The Hundreth Time

**Title: Penance**

**Summary: Set after The Doctor somehow rescues Clara and himself from his own timestream. Guilt inspires The Doctor to begin a hopeless mission.**

**A/N: There is something about Doctor Who - mostly the concern that The Doctor will always regenerate and a companion is never forever that saddens me. And I've had so much fun falling in love with Clara/The Doctor that I had to write out some of the sad.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe.**

**Chapter Two: The Hundreth Time.**

It was an odd pasttime, even The Doctor had to admit that. But... then again, he didn't have to admit it. Not to anyone, not ever. Except, obviously for the TARDIS. The TARDIS might still be unwilling to show his Clara the nice swimming pool, but in these sad little quests the time machine was faithful. There was something fulfilling in the routine of doing this one small service and The Doctor thought it was good for both Time Lord and machine. The Doctor patted the Tardis doors with appreciation, then stepped out onto the all too familiar soil of Earth.

He could hear the ruckus already, memories danced fleetingly in his mind as he walked toward the smoke and the yelling. The TARDIS didn't fight these illegal crossings into and through his own timeline, because she knew he wasn't interested in what his past self was doing here, nor changing anything at all about his original past. No, he wasn't interested in anything but finding one seemingly insignificant player in this skirmish. And...there she was.

The Doctor saw a solitary figure stop in the middle of the street, then streak abruptly into a building. He followed her.

By the time he got to the roof, it had been done. Another of his lives had been saved and in the process, another of Clara's had been ended. The alien that had shot Clara Oswald of 1972 was already racing down the building toward the fray to try his luck again and Clara lay bleeding on the little pebbles that lined the roof.

The Doctor walked straight to her, knelt down beside her to hold her hand. The wound was too massive to even consider trying to repair the damage. Sometimes, if there was a chance, he tried. Anything if it meant another Clara would be contributing to the universe her self... even if she wasn't his Clara.

This Clara opened her eyes at his touch, and after only a few moments of processing, smiled crookedly, "Doctor."

The Doctor smiled, caressed her face with his other hand, "Beautiful Clara."

"Why are you here? You've come with the wrong face on."

The Doctor laughed, "Caught me." Then he gripped her hand against his chest, "I'm here to hold your hand, love."

"While I die?"

The Doctor inclined his head, unwilling to confirm it, "You saved my life Clara, and the world with it. Again. Do you get tired of hearing me say it?"

"It's what we do."

The Doctor bent his head low so that their foreheads touched and he could feel her breaths against his face. He was so close that he could feel her heart shutter to a halt. He wrapped his arms around her as she breathed her last breath - held her just a minute longer. Then, slowly disentangled himself and stared at the face of his Impossible Girl. He kissed her lips, then her forehead, not quite steady then - slowly - as if his body actually was over a thousand years old, he stood up.

There was a huge explosion a few blocks away, the light washed over them both and then left them again, just as quickly to the moonlight. He backed away a few steps, and finally, with courage, turned away and made his way back to the TARDIS. On the way he made sure someone would find her within the hour.

He stepped on board the TARDIS and wiped his hand over his face. It wasn't as bad as it had been. And it wasn't as bad as he knew someday it would be. Time to leave. He set course for nowhere and stood hunched over the controls while he left the past to play itself out.

"What's wrong?"

The Doctor looked up, he hadn't heard her footsteps, "Nothing. Just... doing my penance."

"Your penance for what?" Clara's smile was fond, her hair mussed from sleep.

The Doctor stood straight and faced her, the sadness in his face slowly replaced with devotion, "For my joy." The Doctor didn't give his Clara time to ask any questions about that. He took her face in his hands and kissed her and walked her backwards, back to the hall, back to their room and gently set aside the ghosts in his mind to make memories from the present.


	3. The Last Time

**Title: Penance**

**Summary: Set after The Doctor somehow rescues Clara and himself from his own timestream. Guilt inspires The Doctor on a mission**

**A/N: There is something about Doctor Who - mostly the concern that The Doctor will always regenerate and a companion is never forever that saddens me. And I've had so much fun falling in love with Clara/The Doctor that I had to write out some of the sad.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this universe.**

**Chapter Three: The Last Time**

The Doctor took a deep breath. It had been a long time since he'd done what he called his "penance". A long time since he thought he'd be able to stand it. His Clara was gone. But her echoes still littered his timeline, living and dying all around him - the greatest temptations he'd ever known.

He'd discussed it with her of course, when they'd known the end was near. The idea of finding her again, starting all over again... It was obscene and unbearable and yet...tempting beyond anything he'd ever known. The Doctor frowned and shook his head.

He walked out of the TARDIS onto a red alien soil. There had been an adventure here once. For him. He heard the tell tale sound of the TARDIS lifting off - the past TARDIS lifting off just as he rounded a corner of a huge rock formation. So that was it then. He'd been saved again. But where was his savior?

He stood absorbing the scene, trying to remember in what way Clara's echo could have played a role in this particular moment from his timeline. He blinked. Yes, there had been a bomb - once of those crazy doomsday devices. And it had been set to go … and yet... it hadn't gone... until the terrorists had gone back in to try to fix it and he and his friends had been safely sheltered.

The Doctor put his hands in his pockets. Perhaps she had been too close to the blast. If so, there would be nothing left of her now. No way to stand in solidarity with her as she gave up her life for him. But, why would the TARDIS have brought him here if it were so?

He turned to go when he heard the clang of metal against rock and whirled around to see a hidden bunker not ten yards away. Cautiously, The Doctor approached, but stopped dead when she staggered out into the light. She was wearing some sort of jumpsuit - her face was sooty and her hair looked like she had had a fight with a toaster and lost. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his long life.

She caught sight of him and stopped, cocked her head to the side and really looked at him, "Doctor?"

The Doctor gathered his courage and walked to her, the echo of his wife, his... "Clara?"

"Only my mum calls me Clara."

The Doctor gave her a lopsided grin, "Oswin then."

She grinned, "Now you've got it."

"Oswin, are you okay?"

She put a hand up to smooth her hair, then shook her head, "Dunno. A bit stunned. Once I got in their bunker there I knew all I had to do was jam their frequency until you all were off but it was just luck none of them tried to get back into the bunker because - Are you real? I know who you are of course, though I never know how. I thought I saved you - why have you got a new face already?"

The Doctor found himself at a loss for words. Belatedly he scanned her with the sonic screwdriver, then looked around. Why, if this Clara wasn't dying, had the Tardis brought him here? He looked at her again, "Just wanted to say thanks I suppose."

She gave him a vibrant smile, "You're very welcome."

The Doctor had to look away from the smile, it hurt too much to see it. And, by looking away - behind her at the red dust that extended to the horizon, he finally figured out the problem, "How are you planning on getting past that desert?"

"That massive desert there?" Clara looked behind her at the wide expanse, "Well, to be honest, I hadn't gotten that far. I brought a shuttle, but I'm guessing - yes, that seems to have been obliterated."

The Doctor walked away from her, running his hand through his hair... then he started to pace. Well this wouldn't do. No way was he going to leave her stranded in the desert to die of exposure or... or... The Doctor swept the sonic around them in an arc. There was a colony. It wasn't far - not by TARDIS standards anyway. He wouldn't even have to jump in time.

He turned back around to see her watching him with half a smile playing at her lips, "I love to watch you think."

He rolled his eyes and - after a long moment in which his heart both broke and yearned - held out his hand, "Fancy a lift?"

He led her back to the TARDIS where he abruptly released her hand. His hands were shaking so badly after that first contact that it took him a full thirty seconds to open the door even with the key. When he finally did open it, Oswin popped her head in before The Doctor had a chance to make sure they would be alone.

"Where have you been?" A voice from the area of the console demanded.

"What are you doing up?" The Doctor's voice cracked. Unsteady, he closed the TARDIS door firmly behind Oswin and wondered just how difficult this next part was going to be.

"I'm always up."

"Since when?"

"Since always."

"Well... it's not right. Go to bed."

"I'm not five."

"Well you're not two thousand and five either."

"Which implies maybe its you that needs more sleep old man."

The Doctor muttered under his breath and programed the TARDIS for a short hop when the young man traveling with him leaned against the railing and nodded toward Oswin, "Brought home a stray?" Then, as he got a closer look, he stopped talking... and thinking. He walked to the steps.

Oswin smiled at him, "Hello."

Aiden tried very hard to smile back, but he was having a hard time getting his voice to work, "Hi..." Aiden came down the steps, looked to The Doctor, could see the emotion ripe in his face and was mortified to feel his own eyes fill with tears.

The Doctor tried to walk passed him back to Oswin but Aiden grabbed his arm, the two men stared at each other for a long moment and finally Aiden let The Doctor pass, heard him say, gruffly, "Don't get attached. We're just giving her a lift."

"Yes Grandfather." Aiden said it without thinking, without taking his eyes off Oswin. At two hundred, he was still a very young man, and he had gotten his height from his grandfather's side of the family so he was a head taller than Oswin. He moved even closer, he couldn't help it. Talking almost to himself he addressed her, "You're... one of the echoes. You're... not real."

Oswin raised her eyebrows and pinched his arm, then laughed when he cried out, "Real enough!"

Aiden laughed, rubbing his arm, "I'm sorry - I'm so sorry. You're … it's just that... you're beautiful Grandmama."

For a moment the shock ripped through her, but her smile did not waver. Instead it broadened as she studied his face. Somewhere between one moment to the next they were both in tears and he was holding onto her and spinning her around. She pat his back, "So - how many hearts then?"

Aiden laughed, "It's complicated,"

Oswin sighed, "Of course it is."

The Doctor cleared his throat, standing near the door, "We're here."

"Where?" Demanded Aiden.

"Oswin's... home."

Oswin pushed away from Aiden, slow to let go of his hands, "Yes, of course."

Aiden looked from her to The Doctor, who's face was gray with pain. Aiden's heart broke for him, but still, how could he let go?

He looked into the face of his grandmother: memories and feelings he hadn't realized were so close to the surface bursting around in his mind. She smiled and squeezed his hands before pulling hers out of his grip, "I know that you're not technically... _really_ mine... but... just the same. You are." She winked at him, then stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, "And I don't know you but... I have never been prouder of anyone in my entire life."

They shared a tearful laugh then she nodded her goodbye as she backed away to the door. The Doctor followed her. He couldn't not. She had her hands behind her back, holding onto the door handle when she found it, watching him with eyes... eyes that he would do anything for.

He tried to stop himself, but he couldn't - he wrapped his arms around her. The act nearly stopped both his hearts with the pain and the joy of the memory of holding her, how familiar, how glorious, how... gone.

He stepped back, holding both his hands against her face, "I... love you. Every echo. Every version."

She nodded, "As we love you. Every regeneration, for all of time and space." She pulled the door in and smiled through her tears, "Now shoo. I've got to be on the lookout for... you. In case you get into any more trouble! Goodbye."

The Doctor spread his hand out on the closed door; Afraid to move for fear he would throw the door back open and go after her. When he felt the TARDIS lift off The Doctor felt a wave of gratefulness for his grandson that nearly levelled him. He turned around as Aiden bounded back down from the controls and they grasped onto one other. They stood there locked in their shared pain until, finally, they pulled apart. The Doctor gave his grandson an affectionate pat on the neck and turned back one more time to stare at the door.

"You going to be okay?"

The Doctor shook his head, "I miss her."

"I know."

"I owe her." The Doctor looked at Aiden, "For every day, every hour that she loved me. For every child and every grandchild and ..."

Aiden shook his head sadly, "Oh Grandda. She was your Impossible Girl. And you were her hero. We all knew that. Even her echoes seem to know it." Aiden grinned, pointed at his grandfather, "But you know how Grandmama felt about sulking."

The Doctor looked rebellious for a moment then scratched at his ear, "I'm an old man.. sulking is my privilege."

"Well, Old Man... how 'bout you tell the TARDIS where to go?" Aiden surrendered the controls and wandered toward the corridors, "Because I think I need to... sit down somewhere."

The Doctor nodded with understanding at that and let his hand hover above the controls. When he was alone with the TARDIS he wondered out loud, "How much longer, Old Girl? How much longer before you and I stop running?" The machine let out a mighty groan and The Doctor smiled, "No sulking then. For we shall meet again - my Clara and I. And in the meantime... let's show these youngin's how it's done, what do you think?"


End file.
